I gotta be honest...

You are about to read one of those posts that lays out how I feel in the middle of something trying. So please don't hold it against me and remember it's not always like this here in Israel.

In the way of being honest, I am discouraged. I cannot think of anything in recent Eli history that so quickly demoralizes me as Modern Hebrew. I am sitting in the library listening to the quasi-lecture* from last class - Bill has recorded mini-sessions that go through the stuff in the book that we cover and practice in class. Up to this point I have felt like we have gone too fast a few times. It is discouraging when he's flying through a section that isn't quite clicking in your brain. In fact, it's downright demoralizing.

[Quick sidenote: But it is pretty amazing that in like 4 class sessions I can read Hebrew letters and pronounce the words I see (somewhat) and I do have a small running vocabulary. The issue here is thinking the language, which is much, much more than just reading it.]

So just a few minutes ago (actually, right before I paused to type this complaint :) I was working through that last section and not at all following what was going on. It's too fast, it's difficult, it literally makes your brain hurt from thinking in different ways and using different parts, I'm whining, etc... It made me want to give up. For a second I was running scenarios in my brain (which is not at all new, those who know me well know that I do it to a fault sometimes). I was thinking (at an extreme moment) how I would be able to drop the class and pick up another or just plain drop it altogether. Then I remembered I kind of want to learn it plus I really hate quitting anything. We don't quit things in my family (except, of course, when God's leading trumps family practice i.e. summer/fall 07 soccer/RA experience). So I'll stick with Hebrew.

What I mean to say this. Life is not all pita bread and roses around here. Contrary to popular belief, I do have schoolwork - who knew? :) And it is tough sometimes. Like now.

Now that I am done complaining, I wish to say this: Life here is amazing. Life here is challenging academically. But more than that, life here is amazingly challenging to my heart (not to belittle the mental challenge of course). I don't think I can fully relate how overwhelming a regular day can be. We learn so much, think so much, grow so much, and even question all that we know as we see more of who our God is. Right now I have a love/dislike relationship with all of that.

All in all, Modern Hebrew is a tipping point for me -- I think it will be all semester. It has the potential (note: only the potential, not anything more) to discourage me or make me fall into the temptation of being really grumpy (or is it cranky? I forget which is worse, remind me again Jordi?) It's what I do with it (and all of my classes) that will really make this semester the greatest, most challenging, most worthwhile, most life-changing semester of my life.

Right now it's just going to take a little change in the heart attitude via prayer and a little hard work.
I guess I can handle that.




*In case you are unfamiliar with the usage of "quasi-..." here is definition: "supposedly, seemingly, apparently, allegedly, ostensibly, on the face of it, on the surface, to all intents and purposes, purportedly; pseudo-, to some extent, half, relatively, comparatively, (up) to a point; almost, nearly, just about."